I ask Eric: The husband is obsessed with his wife’s decades-long affair with her student

Dear Eric: I am 80 years old and have been married to the best woman possible for 33 years. We connect and are soulmates. My question is: Why have I been jealous lately of her affair with a 17 year old high school student even though she was 27 and a teacher? This was mentioned a long time ago in our past relationship report. Why has this reactive jealousy consumed me now? I want to know a lot of details about this encounter, but I realize that this will only delve me deeper into my obsession. My constant rumination is putting a strain on my side of our marriage. What can I do?

– Past repeat

Dear repeat: Whenever seemingly random events from the past enter my mind, I always think of the moment in a crime drama when a body floats to the surface of a swamp, only to be discovered years after the initial crime. Like the plot of a crime drama, these mysterious feelings always involve more questions than answers and are never really about what they initially seem to be about.

What your wife did wasn’t appropriate, but it doesn’t sound like this new obsession is about ethical violations. I don’t think it’s even about what happened in the past. If you have the resources, talking to a counselor or therapist about this fixation can help you get to the bottom of what you’re really stressed about. Maybe something is changing in your marriage, maybe you’re worried about yourself or your body. These things are normal and it is possible to change the way you think about them so that the movies stop playing in your head. Your local aging department may also be able to point you to free or low-cost counseling options for seniors.

It’s also important to draw a clear line between what’s going on in your head and what’s going on in your marriage. Tell your wife that you can’t stop fixating on this event and also what you plan to do to remedy it. Don’t make your obsession their problem, but if there’s something in your marriage that needs to be addressed, disclosing what else is going on in your head will pave the way for a healthier discussion.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

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