Signs that you are suffering from Eldest Daughter Syndrome

• “Oldest daughter syndrome” is not an official diagnosis, but it can describe how first daughters feel.
• One therapist said the common traits were perfectionism, people-pleasing, and over-responsibility.
• As the oldest of her six siblings, she said she suffers from eldest daughter syndrome.

Oldest daughters often face more pressure than other children, including eldest boys, according to a series of new studies.

Now, many first-time daughters are grappling with the implications of being the biggest sister, from their academic success to who they date. The term “eldest daughter syndrome” describes common feelings of pressure and perfectionism that eldest daughters face as adults.

Annie Wright, a therapist practicing in California, told Business Insider that while it’s not an official diagnosis, “eldest daughter syndrome” can be a useful description and is something she talks about with some of her clients .

It’s also something she can personally identify with: She grew up as the oldest of four siblings before two younger stepsisters joined the family when Wright was an adult.

“I can relate to almost everything 100%,” she said of the characteristics associated with eldest daughter syndrome. Overwhelm, self-confidence and difficulty setting boundaries are all things that she “internalized very, very early on”.

Although she attributes much of her professional success to her eldest daughter’s qualities, she said, “There are really some pros and cons when it comes to this set of personality traits that I have developed.”

She shared some of the most common issues that eldest daughters struggle with.

Related stories

Being overly responsible in relationships

Wright said the predominant personality trait in the eldest daughters was “high responsibility and caring.”

Eldest daughters often rely on their younger siblings for help, although to varying degrees. Daughters who became parents, for example, might go beyond the occasional diaper change and be responsible for caregiving, organizing household tasks or even resolving family conflicts, Wright said.

“This early caregiving role really shapes their sense of identity and, frankly, contributes to them feeling overly responsible, both in the family and later in adult relationships,” she added.

A lot of self-inflicted pressure

Beyond caregiving, eldest daughters may feel “an implicit or explicit expectation for them to be a role model to siblings,” Wright said, leading them to develop perfectionism later in life.

This can lead to feeling pressure to “succeed academically, professionally and personally,” she said, especially if parents are also overly critical.

On the surface, it can seem like a great thing: Eldest-daughter syndrome is often associated with “Type A” personalities and fantastic organizational skills. Wright says her above-average achievements helped her become the first person in her family to attend college.

However, she said that striving for success often comes at a cost for eldest daughters and “can contribute to their stress, anxiety and fear of failure.”

I find it difficult to ask for help

Because eldest daughters are often praised for their independence, they can develop “a really strong predisposition toward self-reliance,” Wright said. If their caring skills are what make them the favorite child, they won’t want to give up that title by admitting they need help.

Reflecting on her own childhood, Wright remembers feeling like a “good big sister” and “such a helper” as she got diapers for her newborn sibling. She said this can lead to the eldest daughters internalizing the belief that they should handle everything on their own.

This can lead to resentment and a reluctance to be vulnerable. “The people who don’t look like they need help are often the ones who really need it,” Wright said.

People-friendly

While the eldest daughters find it difficult to express a need, they can also take on more responsibility from people who have no problem asking for help. They are often people pleasers who find it difficult to set boundaries.

In her practice, she often advises eldest daughters to start small and set boundaries. “I would invite people to ask themselves where they could step back from caring and allow others to take responsibility for themselves,” she said. “It’s okay to say, ‘I need some time to myself and I can’t help it.'”

Prone to burnout

Eldest daughters are particularly vulnerable to burnout, Wright said. Many of her eldest daughter’s clients realize that the same overachieving and lack of boundaries that helped them achieve professional success can lead to problems later.

In her own experience, Wright’s initial career success turned into challenges with workaholism. “The very things that may be adaptive early in life may prove maladaptive later in life,” she said.

Wright said that being diagnosed with cancer in 2022 “really made me re-evaluate the 80-hour work week.” She also felt like she was missing out on time with her daughter.

Wright began “rigorous therapy” regarding her appearance. “It wasn’t easy at all, nice work, but unfortunately it was a crisis that brought me to the point where I had to start dealing with it.”