I ask Eric: I can’t get over my spouse’s decades-old inappropriate affair

From R. Eric Thomas

Updated: 16 minutes ago Published: 3 Hours ago

Dear Eric: I am 80 years old and have been married to the best woman possible for 33 years. We connect and are soulmates. My question is: Why have I been jealous lately of her affair with a 17 year old high school student even though she was 27 and a teacher? This was mentioned a long time ago in our past relationship report. Why has this reactive jealousy consumed me now? I want to know a lot of details about this encounter, but I realize that this will only delve me deeper into my obsession. My constant rumination is putting a strain on my side of our marriage. What can I do?

– Past repeat

Dear repeat: Whenever seemingly random events from the past enter my mind, I always think of the moment in a crime drama when a body floats to the surface of a swamp, only to be discovered years after the initial crime. Like the plot of a crime drama, these mysterious feelings always involve more questions than answers and are never really about what they initially seem to be about.

What your wife did wasn’t appropriate, but it doesn’t sound like this new obsession is about ethical violations. I don’t think it’s even about what happened in the past. If you have the resources, talking to a counselor or therapist about this fixation can help you get to the bottom of what you’re really stressed about. Maybe something is changing in your marriage, maybe you’re worried about yourself or your body. These things are normal and it is possible to change the way you think about them so that the movies stop playing in your head. Your local aging department may also be able to point you to free or low-cost counseling options for seniors

It’s also important to draw a clear line between what’s going on in your head and what’s going on in your marriage. Tell your wife that you can’t stop fixating on this event and also what you plan to do to remedy it. Don’t make your obsession their problem, but if there’s something in your marriage that needs to be addressed, disclosing what else is going on in your head will pave the way for a healthier discussion.

• • •

Dear Eric: About three years ago, a work friend “T” and I quickly became close. T profusely confessed her (platonic) love. I, an untrusting person who usually keeps others at a distance, thought I had found a new “best friend.”

But every now and then, and completely unexpectedly, T slips into “bad girl” mode.

She will make derogatory comments about my appearance, snap at me over seemingly trivial things, and act annoyed and angry during our encounter. In group situations, the irritation seems to focus on my behavior and not that of others.

We had an argument before, after which I ended the friendship. A year later we reconciled when she contacted us. But on a recent weekend trip together, their “bad girl” reared its ugly head. When I told her how it made me feel, she apologized and said it was because I wasn’t listening to her enough.

These episodes are also a painful reminder of my sister, who has a personality disorder and exhibits similar behavior towards me. I eventually had to distance myself from her for my own well-being.

It’s difficult to form close friendships in middle age, and I don’t want to give up my friendship with T, but I can’t continue to feel like her emotional punching bag. Any ideas on how we can handle this situation without losing the good part of our relationship?

– Undermine and over it

Dear Undermining: At some point before she met you, T realized that she should be aggressively mean when she didn’t get the attention she wanted. And she learned that to get someone to like her, she should bombard someone with love. None of these lessons are true, and now you are suffering because of them.

Worse, because T’s behavior mimics your sister’s, it’s likely causing you to put up with it longer than you otherwise would. This is a terrible situation to be in and I’m sorry.

Try talking to T in a non-mean girl moment while setting a clear boundary. Even if she doesn’t feel listened to, offensive language or behavior is a no-go. Tell her that she needs to control herself to maintain this relationship. Ask her if she understands how you feel about this and what her plan is to put your friendship on a healthier course.

If T doesn’t respect your boundaries, your safest bet is to limit contact with her. I hope she can be the best friend you deserve, but for your own well-being, she may be best as an arm’s length friend.