Friend dies, never met in person: My story

I started posting on long distance relationship forums (LDR) and was greeted with compassion and sadness, but I didn’t really understand the impact Gabe’s death had on me. My posts were flooded with comments like “I’m so sorry!” I can’t imagine that happening!” and “I don’t know what I would do if I were you.” I appreciated the replies and congratulations, but no one seemed to really understand the gravity of my loss.

I posted in Facebook groups for widows and the responses were less empathetic. Messages like: “I think you’re overreacting. “You’re not a widow” and “You don’t know how we feel.” I was married for 10 years – your grief is incomparable,” it echoed in my head for days. I felt like I was taking a place that I didn’t “deserve” and that I didn’t deserve.

No, Gabe and I weren’t married. We didn’t have any children. We didn’t live together. I’ve never had touched him. Of course, our relationship was different than that of a 40-year-old widow who had lost her husband of 20 years. But what did that really mean?

I struggled with this. I wondered if our relationship was even real. Maybe I was being dramatic and selfish? Was it all just in my head?

No. Of course not. I was filled with grief, just like these other widows. I couldn’t eat, drink, or move on with my life, just like she did. I spent my days and nights hugging the keepsakes I received from him, crying, and wishing that Gabe was with me again. The fact that our relationship wasn’t physical didn’t change that.

I realized that I had to come to terms with the fact that my grief was not the same as everyone else’s. My loss is still a loss – a deep, radically transformative one – and nothing can change it. Not a widow on Facebook telling me my relationship isn’t real because we haven’t touched each other, not a mother telling me we’re not even really together, and not me convincing myself that I shouldn’t feel the way I feel.

I posted excerpts from my journal online in hopes of comparing my experiences with people who have struggled with the loss of a physical relationship. I came to the conclusion that I would never heal if I didn’t allow myself to go into healing spaces, and I wanted to share what I had been through in case others might be going through something similar.

December 14, 2018: My friend passed away. I’m not sure what to do next.

My boyfriend and I were together for 2.5 years and he died this morning.

He was sick the whole time we were together. He went to the hospital on Wednesday and was supposed to come home on Saturday. We didn’t expect it to pass so suddenly.

I never had the chance to meet him or say goodbye properly. I’m not really sure where to go and what to do. We planned to get married after I graduated college. I lost my best friend and my future. The only person I would turn to for comfort in a situation like this is no longer there.

December 18, 2018: Everything hurts.

Last Tuesday was the last time I was able to actually talk to Gabe without anything being “wrong.” When he arrived at the hospital, I was only able to speak to him briefly on the phone.

My heart hurts. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. Even my bones hurt.

I can’t hear music. I can’t draw. I can’t read. I can’t do anything because everything reminds me of him and what we did together.

February 20, 2019: Fake it until you make it (crying in the shower and other bad ideas).

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew that if something happened to Gabe, our relationship could end at any moment. I just wish I had done more to prepare for it. We never really talked in front of me about how he would die. We just pretended it wasn’t happening.