Posted on by

Is “eldest daughter syndrome” even real? What experts think

Is “eldest daughter syndrome” even real? What experts think

Navigating adulthood as the eldest daughter can be difficult. While you are not a child in your life ParentsWhen you’re no longer home, the dynamics you grew up with can still follow. Think about it: How often do you try to solve everyone else’s problems while constantly trying to shoulder your own alone? If this resonates with you at all, you may be dealing with eldest daughter syndrome.

To understand what this actually looks like beyond TikTok Talk therapy Most importantly, I spoke to a licensed therapist, Briana ParuoloLCMHC. As founder of On-par therapy — a practice that specializes in “burnout, eating disorders and self-esteem” and aims to “empower high-achieving women” — she sees many clients struggling with eldest-daughter syndrome. Here’s what Paruolo has to say!

TL;DR

  • Eldest daughter syndrome is not included in the DSM-5, but that doesn’t make the eldest daughters’ experiences any less real.
  • Eldest-daughter syndrome can look like intense perfectionism, unrealistically high standards, an inability to delegate, and an innate need to prioritize the needs of others first.
  • Eldest daughters can heal by validating their experiences, understanding their self-worth, and setting clear boundaries with themselves and others—especially by sometimes simply saying “no.”

What is Eldest Daughter Syndrome?

Cottonbro Studio

While The New York Timesreports that Eldest Daughter Syndrome is “not an actual mental health diagnosis” – so it is not an officially recognized disorder DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) – the symptoms seem to have a very real impact on the people who struggle with them. Paruolo explains, “We often explore the ‘eldest daughter’s experience’ with my clients to avoid pathologizing this now normalized response to family roles and expectations. The eldest daughter experiences behavioral patterns and emotional experiences that are unique to her birth order.” Comparison with other siblings.

What does all this mean in practice? Paruolo says families tend to place a lot more expectations on firstborns, from achievements to overall responsibility. According to Paruolo, this can put pressure on these children to be role models to younger siblings. Over time, these pressures can grow and evolve, causing an eldest daughter to take on more and more throughout her life – even outside the home in which she grew up – and further complications in her relationships, at work, and caused elsewhere.

What are the symptoms of Eldest Daughter Syndrome?

A woman concentrated and worked on her laptop

Pavel Danilyuk

As I said, you naturally carry many of these experiences with you childhood in your interactions with adults. And while leadership tendencies and high expectations of oneself are not inherently bad, all of these pressing expectations can turn into even more frustrating symptoms later in life.

Because it is not (yet) an exact diagnosis or disorder, many of these symptoms may be due to practical insights from therapists over time. With Paruolo’s clients, she noticed that the eldest daughters “may experience symptoms of perfectionism and unrealistic, self-induced demands both in the workplace and in relationships.” She explains that this can look like a lack of delegation or a request for help. Paroulo also points out that eldest daughters by nature “prioritize the needs of others before acknowledging their own” — and if they choose to choose their own needs first, they might feel bad in the long run.

Any of these symptoms can crop up in an eldest daughter’s everyday life, but they can also have some unfortunate long-term effects if left untreated. “Long-term effects can include consciously or unconsciously being placed in a caring role, which can lead to burnout in many relationships,” says Paruolo. She explains that this “immense pressure” and responsibility of climbing can eventually lead to chronic stress – and possibly even lead to resentment towards family members.

Daphne Bridgerton eldest daughter syndrome

Netflix

For a fictional – but still practical! – Let’s think of Daphne, for example Bridgerton. In Season 1, we immediately see the enormous effort Daphne puts into finding a good, respectable marriage that will make her family proud and further solidify her social position. This is a lot of pressure for everyone Oldlet alone a 21 year old woman. Meanwhile her older brothers Anthony And Benedict are 29 and 27 years old respectively – and if you recall, they don’t seem to be worried about their own position in the marriage market, let alone that they are even ready to get married.

But Daphne wins! She marries the Duke of Hastings, conceives a child and, against all odds, fulfills her family’s dreams. If you thought that would be enough and that Daphne would officially complete her duties as the eldest daughter, you were wrong! In Season 2When Anthony When he finally decides to take his marriage prospects into his own hands, the family enlists Daphne’s help to give them advice and guide them through their difficulties. Even though Daphne has started a family of her own (exactly what she wanted and demanded!), her work is never done. She advises, helps and distributes an endless supply of love and care.

What can parents do to prevent eldest daughter syndrome?

A woman kisses her daughter on the cheek

Every trace

Parents They have a lot of priorities to prioritize when raising a family, but there are some small (but very effective!) things they can do to prevent eldest-daughter syndrome from spiraling out of control. First and foremost, Paruolo wants parents to know the importance of being mindful of how they speak to their children, regardless of birth order. She emphasizes that the parent’s voice “often becomes the child’s inner voice (and often the harshest critic).”

Next, Paruolo suggests creating a more open environment where the family can talk about their feelings about the family dynamic. It seems like this might ease the resentment we talked about earlier when an eldest daughter takes on more and more without asking for help and eventually burns out. Paruolo points out that you can have these conversations at family dinners or get-togethers—this gives each person a designated time and place to express their feelings.

Ultimately, Paruolo wants parents to be “cognizant of the caregiving responsibilities they impose on their elders” while also “promoting age-appropriate forms of independence for the children in the home.” All of these efforts can help “bring about a healthier dynamic” and hopefully make an eldest daughter’s life a little easier, one step at a time.

How can women heal from eldest daughter syndrome?

A woman stands at sunset with her hands in her hair

Jasmine chewing

After reading all of this, it may seem overwhelming to realize that you are dealing with Eldest Daughter Syndrome. Luckily, your symptoms and problems don’t have to define you, because Paruolo has some important advice for that cure. “Women can manage and heal from their elder-daughter syndrome by acknowledging their real and valid experiences,” she says. “We don’t tell anyone with a broken leg to get over it, so the same care and understanding of how eldest-daughter syndrome shaped him is vital to his journey.”

There are some ways to truly validate these experiences with your eldest daughter—and work to put them behind you. Paruolo suggests practicing mindfulness to notice your innate behaviors. She says, “It can be a simple three-second pause with the reflective question, ‘Am I putting the oxygen mask on someone else in this moment before helping myself?'” This way, you can create a space where you allow yourself yourself to choose your own needs first – or at least begin to acknowledge them more clearly.

One of the biggest – and I would say most difficult – practices Paruolo suggests? Say no. She says that you get used to the unpleasantness of the environment Boundaries and to say that this two-letter word can really help you develop better, healthier habits. I know I could definitely do more of this.

Ultimately, Paruolo wants the eldest daughters to work on redefining their self-esteem. She says, “Be curious about why it is an honor to be you (because it is an honor!) and try to separate it from the role of caregiver or problem solver that you have constantly been assigned.”

A woman baking cookies with her mother

Elina fairy tales

If I can take anything away from my conversations and research, it would be this: your experiences as an elder Daughter are valid, and you deserve to prioritize yourself! Regardless of whether eldest daughter syndrome is in a diagnostic book or not, it is clear that therapists take these cases seriously and are responsive to their clients’ needs. So why not consider your own too?

I don’t want to end this article hypocritically. I struggle daily with my oldest daughter’s tendencies, but it’s helpful to know that I can take very concrete steps to lighten my life and breathe out. And perhaps one day these lived experiences we all share will be codified in the DSM-5 so that future eldest daughters have a clearer guide to live by – because you know we love achievable, clear goals. 😉

Looking for more mental health advice? Be sure to sign up for our weekly newsletter so you don’t miss a thing!