Ranking NBA teams based on which mascot would destroy all others

The 2024-2025 NBA season is less than a week away. That means it’s time to evaluate teams based on which mascots – the team calls itself, not the people running around the field in costumes that often have nothing to do with the team name – in a battle Royale would win. From strongest and most likely to win to weakest and least likely:

1. Heat – the actual energy left over from the Big Bang that eventually dissipates to absolute zero when the universe dies. I’m not sure how anything else could compete.

2. Suns

3. Wizards – If we accept that they could exist, the sky is the limit

4. Rockets

5. Raptors

6. warrior

7. Grizzlies

8. Cavaliers

9. Clippers – I realize it’s just a boat. But you don’t want one to hit you.

10. Pacers – I think this refers to a pace car? If yes, see above.

11. Trailblazer

12. 76s

13. outsider

14. Bulls – These are pretty tough animals, but people have made a grotesque sport out of killing them.

15. Timberwolves

16. dollar

17. Pelicans – Much wilder than you think.

18. Celtics

19. Lakers – I don’t know what a Laker is, regardless of this team’s Minnesota origins. But it looks like it can handle a hawk?

20. Hawks

21. Magic – Magic is both not real and something that needs to be performed by someone in order to work, but we should mention it here just in case.

22. Kings – While kings have the power of armies, they themselves tend to be gentle little babies who couldn’t win a fight against a house cat.

23. Pistons

24. Nuggets – I guess you could throw them at someone pretty hard.

25. Spurs

26. Hornets – Anaphylaxis.

27. Knicks – These are named after pants. Pants.

28. networks

29. Thunder – Although lightning is a powerful force, the sounds it produces cannot cause much damage.

30. Jazz – Generally quieter than thunder.