How a deck of cards helps me talk to my husband about money

How I reported on an article how to talk to family members about moneyI asked finance and etiquette experts how to handle difficult conversations around estate planning, allocating costs on a family trip, and more.

One way to start a conversation is with a game. For example, Let’s Talk Finances, Couples Edition is a card game created by Erika Wasserman, a financial therapist in the Miami, Florida area. It’s intended to spark useful discussions that can be difficult to start.

There are also other financial games on the market. Financial literacy memory cards, banking and budgeting-themed board games—including the classics “Life” and “Monopoly”—and stock market video games can all lead to useful conversations about money that you wouldn’t otherwise have.

My husband and I regularly have money meetings where we talk about money budgeting and we could reduce costs, but we find it more difficult to find time for more open discussions where there is a lack of clear terms of reference. One evening as we were preparing dinner, I decided to use Wasserman’s deck of cards to start a different kind of conversation about money.

First, I told my husband that we were going to talk about money. “Timing is everything,” she says. If someone is hungry or tired, it may not be the right time to initiate a conversation about money.

My husband seemed more curious than worried, so I pulled out the first question. “What does the word money mean to you?”

He thought about it for a moment. “That’s how I get the stuff I need,” he said.

I nodded. “For me it’s the ability to do whatever you want with your life.” We seemed to fundamentally agree.

Our teenage daughter, who was listening nearby, rolled her eyes. “It’s just a currency,” she said. We had a solid start.

The next question concerned our daughter more directly. “Do you believe adult children should support their parents financially?”

She shook her head violently. “Parents should always support you,” she explained.

However, my husband said the opposite. We had an interesting mini-debate about family relationships and how they can change over time, and by the end I was ready for a breather.

Luckily the next question was easier. “Which monthly bill do you prefer to pay?” Why?”

I thought my husband would mention his student loan bill because it reflects his education. But he named his Audible subscription Instead, he likes to listen to audio books on the way to work. I’m often tempted to cut out these recurring expenses, so it was good for me to learn how important they are to him.

My favorite is this monthly gas bill for heating because it represents home and comfort for me, especially in the winter months. Our daughter, who is too young to have to pay any bills, couldn’t imagine that we would enjoy paying bills.

We also discussed how our families talked about money in adulthood (never for him, often for me) and named the highest dollar amount we would spend without consulting the other person (we ended up with a similar number). It was all helpful and it felt good to discuss it openly, even with a skeptical teenager nearby.

These types of financial clues can help you learn more about a family member’s financial hopes and dreams that you might not otherwise be able to talk about. It also makes it easier to address difficult topics that can lead to conflict.

The next time we need to address a more serious money topic—like how to help a family member in need—we’ll be more prepared to have that conversation.

If you receive a card that asks a question you really don’t want to answer, simply put it back in the pile for later.

Maybe one day I’ll tackle some of the more challenging questions in the deck, like: “What do I spend money on that annoys you?”

But for now, I’ll let my husband keep these thoughts to himself.