I said no to my rich friend’s expensive event. Her response is infuriating.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’ve been friends with “Mischa” for over 20 years, ever since we went to graduate school together. We took different paths in our career though—I’ve always been in government/nonprofit, while she went corporate—so she’s always made a higher salary than me. She’s likely making around three times what I make (I’m guessing based on average salaries for her position/experience/place of employment). Like me, she doesn’t have any children/parents dependent on her. While we live in the same city, we don’t get to hang out too often because of our schedules. So, I like to take advantage of the times we can.

However, Mischa just can’t seem to understand that her budget is vastly different from mine, and is constantly suggesting activities I just don’t want to pay for. Usually, I have no issue saying, “That’s not in my budget, sorry,” except recently, she’s been kind of throwing that in my face. For instance, she asked me if I wanted to go see a musical that’s coming to our city. It’s only in town for a few days, so the ticket prices are $150 at minimum, plus she wanted the pricier seats. When I said that was too much, she pointed out that in the last few months, I went to see another show, as well as three concerts. I responded that two of the three concerts were $25 tickets, the other one was $75, and the musical was a last-row seat that I got the day of the performance for $43. I saw four shows for basically the same price as one ticket for the show she wanted to go to. I also, for the record, invited her to all of these events, but she declined (I suspect it’s because I go with people she doesn’t really know, and she has some social anxiety and feels uncomfortable). She then got huffy and acted like I was the one being difficult. When we do actually get together though, we have a great time, and we still text/talk a lot in between, so it’s not like this is otherwise a dying friendship. How do I make her understand?

—Are You Paying?

Dear Are You Paying?,

You’ve been clear about what you can afford and what’s outside of your budget. You’ve also been clear about what you value, which is many more affordable experiences versus one expensive outing. If she doesn’t “get it” at this point in time, I’m not sure there’s another way to say you enjoy her company, but at a price you can afford.

So, how’s this? Instead of focusing on event price, what if you tried harder to get her to join you at some of your less expensive outings? Start a conversation that focuses on why she can’t join you more often (is her calendar that full or does she prefer to hear different bands/do other things? Is it really the social anxiety coming into play, and if so, can you arrange for her to meet you and your friends for a drink or snack before the show?)? I wonder if there isn’t also a middle ground, where you could agree to go to one or two of her more expensive opportunities a year, and she agrees to accompany you to some less expensive alternatives. Or if it’s the total cost of the outing that’s digging into your wallet, pperhaps you agree on a less expensive place for dinner before the event, or simply go out for a coffee after so the total bill is a lot closer to your budget.

If she’s really tone-deaf, refuses to get it, and is unwilling to compromise, then I hope you can look past this, maintain your boundaries in a firm but neutral tone, and keep enjoying each other’s company. With good friends, it should be possible to have an honest conversation about money and keep it from getting in the way of your friendship.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My father died at the end of 2023, and my mother was deceased for several years before that. Surviving are myself and my older sister, “Mia.” To my surprise, I was named as the executor of their estate. My father died in the house he had lived in for many years, and the years since the pandemic were very difficult for him. He essentially became a recluse, and would not have any in-person contact with family. The state of his house was overwhelming, with piles of years of mail, piles of trash, and rotting food. I spent weeks cleaning the house, arranging for an estate sale, dealing with the courts, selling the house, and paying all missed bills and years of taxes. “Mia” made one trip to the house to get a truckload of possessions, but other than that has not helped at all. She will occasionally ask where the money is, or express surprise that something was sold, and suggest that I am somehow hiding money, or not managing the estate to her liking. I’m very transparent and the accounting is straightforward. However, the suggestion that I am not doing what I should be during something so painful and stressful hurts. I have spent hours of my time and significant money during this process. The time I will never recover, and some of the money I spend is not reimbursable (shipping art, etc). This has been the most stressful, heartbreaking experience of my life. It has taken this many years for me to even see an end in sight.

I feel a lot of guilt because I never wrote an obituary for my father. And extended family asked about a memorial service, which I have been too overwhelmed by everything else to arrange. Now Mia is hoping to have a small gathering of her family and mine to have a casual memorial. The estate still has court involvement, and honestly, this is stressful for me. I’ve never done this before and I am responsible for so much that is out of my control. This has all made my grief complicated because I feel my father left significant things unresolved that were really not something a child should have to manage, especially while grieving (like chasing down years of tax documents, etc). When Mia texts about when I am available for this gathering, I don’t have an answer. The thought of it makes me ill and depressed. I do not think I can engage in a social event organized around my deceased father, with all the stress, anger, and still foreboding I am experiencing related to estate matters. I understand that part of this is a trauma and stress response, but I just feel that I am at the end of my ability to be accommodating, since this is not something I want to do. Perhaps when everything is resolved with the estate, I will then be in a place to engage in a memorial event.

How do I communicate this to Mia, who really has no concept or interest in what I have experienced? I don’t want to make my father’s death about me. At the same time, I do not want any further conflict because I fear that she will make it about the estate. I dread anything related to the estate and will until it is closed, which will likely not be for at least six more months. Additionally, I have things to give to Mia, such as photos and art that I have been storing for years. I tell her about these things, and she expresses no interest or makes no effort to pick them up. I feel like for this memorial I would need to have all of these things sorted and given to her as well, which makes it just another thing I am responsible for, that she can then judge me for not doing well enough. Help!

—Grief in the Time of Probate

Dear Grief in the Time of Probate,

The cliché is true: Death brings out the best in some of us and the worst in others. My guess is there is a reason your father named you the executor of his estate. Although he retreated into his own world at the end, he knew that you would stand up and handle his estate in the right way. It sounds like you’ve honored the intent, at a tremendous personal cost.

At the same time, there’s a well of anger that’s been building up inside of you for the past two years. You sound angry at your father for putting you in this position. Angry at Mia for not stepping up and helping you out. And, angry at yourself for not writing an obituary, even though that would have meant saying a formal goodbye to your father, which you clearly aren’t ready to do.

Don’t conflate the legal process of probate, which is time-consuming, frustrating, and expensive, with the anger you’re feeling. Try to separate the two and figure out a way to lower the temperature. Sit down with Mia (or have a Zoom call if she lives some distance from you) and tell her you would like to hold the memorial after the estate is closed, in about six months. Tell her what art and photos you have of hers and give her a firm date to pick them up. Or, pack them up and ship them to her (and reimburse yourself from the estate for that and all shipping costs, while you’re at it). You can’t let her inaction hold you back, and keep you from closing as many loops as possible. You’re in the home stretch, so each loop you close gets you one step closer to the end. Shut down any negative comments from her and other relatives about how you’ve handled the estate by simply saying, “Dad named me executor for a reason. Thanks for your concern.”

Is there anyone in your family who can support you? Listen to you vent? Give you a hug? If not, and even if there is, you may want to explore getting some therapy to deal with your grief and get some tools to help you manage and diffuse these complex situations and emotions. Good luck getting across the finish line.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

My ex developed major physical/mental disabilities. I couldn’t afford to support/insure him so we divorced after he was denied Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI) (yes, he appealed). He applied for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) and was approved for the same disabilities, but a lower benefit and we can’t be married (such a broken system!). I’m his payee and he rents a room from me. I also have physical disabilities and at 63, I’m not sure how long I can work even at a desk job. I have about $170,000 in pension and 401(k) accounts, and own a house with about $300,000 equity. He has below poverty income and is not allowed assets over $2,000.

My three adult kids are awesome but also super busy. We don’t want to burden them with our increasing care needs. We’re thinking of moving from the Seattle area to a city in Minnesota, where the cost of living is lower and social supports are as good as they get for the U.S. This also puts us roughly midway between my kids. We are liberal and hate the heat, don’t mind snow, and love water. We’d like an adventure when I retire. Is this idea completely crazy??? The last time we moved we were in Airbnb for a month while between houses and I want to avoid that. So, also thinking about a reverse mortgage on my existing house to avoid contingent sales and a housing gap. We could get moved and then sell the old house. Couldn’t we? Or is this a bad idea?

—We Make a Good (Old) Team

Dear We Make a Good (Old) Team,

Reverse mortgages are complicated and expensive. They’re not designed for short-term solutions, like the one you’re proposing. You’re far better off taking out a home equity line of credit to finance your move and eventual purchase. Just be sure to take it out before you list your home for sale.

I’m glad to hear you’re considering Minnesota. The state, and in particular Minneapolis and its sister city, St. Paul, offer a lot of advantages when it comes to retirement living: relatively low cost of living, excellent health care options, lots of outdoor activities (if that’s the sort of adventure you’re seeking), a variety of cultural activities, and they are retiree-friendly when it comes to taxes. In fact, WalletHub ranked Minneapolis as the third-best place to retire, out of 182 urban areas and measured across 45 key metrics. When it comes to real estate, Minnesota is affordable. The median home value in Minneapolis is $324,256, so you may be able to use the net proceeds from the sale of your Seattle home to buy a house free and clear in your new town.

But, think it through first. Do you really need to buy a house and be responsible for the maintenance and upkeep? It might be a better idea to simply find an inexpensive place to rent that meets your needs. Ideally, you could take your $300,000 in equity and invest it in a high-yield savings account, bonds or even dividend-paying stocks so that you’d pay your rent with the income it generates. If you love the idea of homeownership, then maybe buying a single-level condo allows you the security of owning without worrying about ice dams in winter.

Although you don’t want to burden your kids with your care, you should tell them what you’re facing and discuss your plans. While they’re busy with their own lives, they might be able to provide some assistance or helpful suggestions as you think through all of the various options and scenarios. You’ll also want to talk through your finances, and those of your partner, and make sure they understand your wishes for when your expected disabilities materialize. Since you’re not married, by the way, be sure to have the appropriate paperwork (will, trust, powers of attorney for healthcare and financial matters) to protect each other in your new state. I understand that you want to be as independent as you can for as long as you can. With some planning around the resources you and your partner have now and in the future, there’s no reason you can’t be adventuring by the time the snow melts around your new home.

—Ilyce

Classic Prudie

My husband and I have been tackling changes the past year. We have been trying to improve our marriage by communicating more and making lifestyle changes. For me, I am trying to communicate more about what has upset me, where before I would just sit down and sulk. I have learned that my husband has been writing all those instances down as a list.