I am disturbed by what I have heard about this man

Dear Eric: I am a gay man (58) married to a man (61). We have been together for more than 20 years.

My younger sister and her husband have been part of our lives since the beginning and have never shown any signs of not accepting our relationship. We all traveled together and stayed at each other’s houses.

A few years ago we took them to our favorite vacation spot to renew their vows and in 2026 they want us to take them back for a milestone anniversary they are celebrating. We would have liked to have done it.

We learned from other family members that my brother-in-law often disparages the LGBTQ+ community at parties. Although my sister doesn’t participate, she doesn’t question her husband about what he says.

We haven’t experienced this personally, but I firmly believe it happens and will not tolerate this kind of hate.

I’m uncomfortable just confronting her about it with second-hand information. If that’s true, I don’t want to take her on vacation and potentially experience an unwanted personal confrontation if he were to say something intolerable.

Should I bring it up now or just say nothing and make up an excuse why we can’t go on this vacation together?

– Insufferable father-in-law

Dear in-laws: You write that you are absolutely convinced that your brother-in-law’s derogatory comments are happening. I’m wondering why you believe that and why you want to continue to have a close relationship with someone who you believe is likely to talk about you behind your back.

Was this information a surprise or did it confirm something you felt but didn’t acknowledge?

Given what you’ve experienced so far, it’s unlikely that he’ll say anything intolerable while on vacation with you. That doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t think and say derogatory things elsewhere; just that he’s not a fool. After all, you pay for his vacation. Nor does it prove that he thinks and says these things.

Hearsay and hunches will only cause confusion. So you have to ask him directly what he thinks.

Then you have to decide whether you believe him. And that depends on the strength of your relationship.

This is a vulnerable situation. It’s hard to have to say to a loved one, “Do you really accept me?” But you owe it to yourself to gain clarity and peace of mind.

Dear Eric: A few years ago I reunited with an old friend and invited her and her husband to my cottage where she and I had spent some good times together over 20 years ago.

Back then I often drank a few too many and also smoked. I don’t anymore. But she still does it.

During the two days in my cottage she drank so heavily that she could no longer hold a conversation and I had to help her walk.

When she’s sober and doesn’t smoke, she’s smart, funny and engaging.

I invited her again last year hoping I could be more tolerant, but it was worse.

She has been proactive about coming together over the last year. At the last lunch she clearly indicated that she was invited this summer. I replied via text that it wouldn’t work out this year due to family commitments (which is partly true). However, the real reason is their smoking and drinking.

Her response to my text was, “Are you breaking up with me?” I didn’t respond.

Her life doesn’t turn out the way she had hoped. She has a very broken relationship with her teenage son and I believe her marriage is having problems. It also seems that she doesn’t have many friends anymore and her relationship with her siblings has also broken down.

Do I disappear or prepare for the tough conversation?

– Dry friendship

Love friendship: I suspect your boyfriend has had similar breakup conversations or been ghosted in the past. And she may be little or even very aware of the reasons for this. So a conversation might not be as bad as you fear, and it might actually lead to her getting help.

Give her this opportunity.

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