Question for Eric: Sister only calls when she needs money, now my niece is calling too

DEAR ERIC: I’m not close to my sister. Over the years there was little contact except when she needed money. She and two of her adult daughters have called asking for money, one more than once. I want to keep peace in the family, that’s why I gave it to them. They said they would pay it back. Not only did they not do this, they also stopped all communication. I’ve never gotten any pictures of her grandchildren, no new little notes about her daily life.

A daughter who hadn’t asked for money called and asked us to dinner. We had a nice time, but I know that soon she will ask why we don’t all get together. Can I tell her something about the money, about whether she doesn’t care about us or not? She always ignored me too.

– Frustrated sister

DEAR SISTER: It’s difficult when you want to set a boundary, but to do so completely would be to put someone else’s business on the street. However, you are right if you don’t want to socialize until your sister and her only daughter make amends.

If the other daughter inquires about a group meeting, tell her that you would like to do it, but you and her mother and sister have some personal things that need to be taken care of first. This could also be a good opportunity to talk about how important the contact is to you, how grateful you are that she reached out, and how it felt when you were ignored. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic scene. But it’s important to put everything on the table so you don’t start holding a grudge against her too.

***

DEAR ERIC: Regarding the sleepless spouse: As a therapist who treats insomnia, it is actually recommended that if you cannot fall asleep in bed within 20 minutes, you go to another quiet room to read before settling down feeling tired enough to sleep. When you’re awake in bed, your brain associates bed with being awake rather than sleeping. So he should go. However, he should also have an examination to diagnose and treat the cause of the insomnia. Meanwhile, Sleepless can use an eye mask, soft earplugs, and a white noise machine.

– sleep researcher

DEAR SLEEP STUDY: Thank you for these additions! Hopefully both the letter writer and her husband can improve their sleep quality.

***

DEAR ERIC: You should have advised the sleepless wife whose husband suffered from insomnia and made her read in bed to buy her husband a pill! Many books are free to download, the cost of purchasing a book is less than purchasing a paperback, and libraries often offer free downloads. There is no need to turn pages, the brightness of the screen can be adjusted, and if she gets a case, that side of the case can be held upright to further protect her from the light of the tablet.

– E-Sleeper

DEAR E-SLEEPER: Sometimes the simplest solution is the best. You know, you’d think that option would have come to mind first, given how much time I’ve spent encouraging people to read my books in print, audio, or, yes, e-mail. Reader to read. Luckily, many of you have noticed. Thanks for writing!

I also recommend that the man try audio books with headphones that don’t emit sound, otherwise he could be left in the dark. But – if you’re my publisher, wear earmuffs for this – I don’t recommend people read my books alongside sleeping partners. I’m told they tend to make you laugh out loud.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Keep following him Instagram and subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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