I asked for an open marriage – and was stunned by my wife’s words

Wondering what an open relationship looks like or how to set rules for a polyamorous marriage? There is a lot of information out there as poly relationships are becoming more common. Open marriages are becoming more and more common.

According to a study published in 2015 Journal of Sexuality ResearchSearches for terms related to open relationships have been steadily increasing for 10 years. In a follow-up study, the same group of researchers found that more than one in five Americans had been in a non-monogamous relationship at some point in their lives.

In other words, American couples are recognizing that their needs may extend beyond what a monogamous relationship can provide and are therefore finding new ways to create non-traditional arrangements that meet their needs.

Open relationships are becoming increasingly popular. According to a YouGov poll, a quarter of Americans would be interested in an open relationship. But even those who maintain open relationships can struggle to figure out how to make them happen. How do you bring it up? What rules of open marriage are you discussing? What missteps should you avoid?

Here, John*, who lives in Arizona and has been in an open marriage for about six months, talks about how the agreement came about and how he, his wife and his partner are making everything work.

Fatherly: How did you ask your wife for an open marriage?

John: My best friend Sandra* wanted to come over one night and spend the night. She had just moved into her apartment and was unsure about being alone. Sandra and I wrote stories back and forth back then because we are both writers.

We just wrote stories and it basically went from there. She could imagine what it would be like with me.

I did the same thing. I asked my wife if she minded if I stayed on the couch with her that night. My wife said no. I said: You realize that something different could happen tonight. My wife said: Yes, I do. And then I said: Is that okay? And she said: Yes, that’s okay.

Q: Didn’t you have any discussions before?

J: No.

Q: What feelings did you have when you told her that?

J: Well, to be honest, knowing Sandra, I almost knew something was going to happen. The three of us take a creative writing class together, so my wife obviously knows Sandra almost as well as I do. So my wife knew how flirtatious she could be.

My wife also figured out what it would be. She could see that we were attracted to each other. It wasn’t a big shock that I told my wife. My wife had come to this conclusion herself.

Q: So were you surprised?

J: I think a little bit, yeah. I guess – yes, I was surprised and maybe a little shocked. But you know. I have to say I was pleasantly surprised.

Q: I could imagine that. This is a best-case scenario, so to speak. How does it work now?

J: Basically, Sandra wants me to come to her every now and then. Sometimes she just needs someone to talk to her. And that is perfectly acceptable. Every now and then she comes here and stays with us. She sleeps on the couch and I sleep out there with her.

RELATED: Insight into my open marriage: When I have a girlfriend, I love my husband more

Andres Ayrton / Pexels

RELATED: An Open Marriage Didn’t Save Our Marriage – “We’re Closer to Divorce Now Than Ever Before”

Q: Are you and Sandra just friends?

J: To be honest, we are more than just friends. But obviously she and I still get intimate occasionally.

She relies on me to be a shoulder to cry on. When I go up there, it’s not about going there to be intimate. It’s about me being a best friend. That’s actually how it started: We were friends. To be honest, we constantly tell each other that we love each other and are in love with each other, but there is a difference between this kind of intimacy and the kind I have with my wife.

Q: What is the difference?

J: Sandra and I, I know for a fact, we never have the chance to really be together. She has a friend over on the East Coast. She wants to marry her. The only thing we have to base our relationship on is knowing that we can talk to each other and support each other.

And I told her that love life comes last in our relationship. I’m her best friend – that’s the most important thing. And she agrees with it too. I haven’t had a friendship like this since high school, which was a very long time ago.

Q: To function properly, open marriages require a lot of communication. Will you and your wife find out what happens next?

J: As far as discussions about alimony or anything like that, my wife knows that every time I visit her or whatever, there’s a chance something will happen. I’m blind. I have to order paratransit and all that stuff to get to Sandra’s apartment.

It’s not like it’s secret. It’s wide open. There are people around us who suspect what’s going on, but no one knows what’s going on.

LightField Studios / Pexels

RELATED: Our open marriage contract – “We designed our relationship as a business”

Q: How has opening up your marriage affected your relationship with your wife?

J: There are some things I like. Sometimes she seems jealous. But for us it’s just about getting through these times and just trying to let things roll over us. She doesn’t show this jealousy towards anyone. That’s just me – and that’s okay.

Q: Many people in open marriages often say that being more open about their relationship with their spouse has helped them. Do you feel the same?

J: Yes, it has. That’s a good thing. There are times when she wants to cuddle more, whether on the couch or in bed, since this started in October. That’s always a good thing. To some extent, it has also increased our emotional intimacy.

Q: What are the most important rules you and your wife follow to ensure everyone is on the same page?

J: The only rule is that I don’t do anything in front of her or within earshot. She doesn’t want to hear it. And I understand that.

And when Sandra stays at our house, she stays on the couch, which is at the other end of the house from the bedroom. When I go up to Sandra, she obviously doesn’t hear or see anything.

Q: So out of sight, out of mind.

J: Yes. Don’t be blatant about it. And I don’t see anyone else, it’s just Sandra. Most of my friends are women. At this point, I don’t know any male friends that I can rely on as much as my female friends. But when it comes to seeing someone and being intimate with someone else, no. It’s just Sandra.

RELATED: The Unfiltered, Real Truth About An Open Marriage – “Your Partner Can’t Meet All Your Needs”

Lizzy Francis is an author and editor who has published fiction and poetry in magazines affiliated with New York University, such as the West 4th Street Review and the Gallatin Review.