Parenting is hard. The “17 diapers” trend is unashamedly honest

If you ever:

• Pushed your bladder past its limits because you sat down and napped on the couch under a colicky, finally sleeping, otherwise screaming baby and you’re afraid to move, so now you live here, you’re on the Couch.
• Looked out the window and screamed at the crazy, troll-like witch that was lurking in the bushes, watching you with dead eyes, only to realize that that was your own reflection; The witch is you, and when was the last time you showered?
• Googled, in the following order: “coffee breast milk baby”, “espresso breast milk baby”, “Red Bull breast milk baby”, “night nanny”, “night nanny costs”, “lucrative second jobs” and “is essential oil a pyramid scheme”. ?”

Then maybe you’ve just raised little people. And you can probably also relate to the “17 diapers” trend that’s currently circulating on social media, with new parents sharing the struggles of their everyday lives.

“Let’s collect all the dirty diapers I have in my house right now,” says a TikTok user named Hannah in a video she posted earlier this month that has already racked up 6.8 million views.

The mother of two wanders around her house with a trash bag and finds 17 crumpled diapers scattered among an array of children’s drawings, baby wipes, upended children’s clothes and water bottles. Her husband, she later explains, was on a pre-planned hunting trip, and in another video she says she sympathizes with single parents (who researchers have found are more likely to experience psychological distress).

“No wonder my house stinks like hell right now,” Hannah says after picking up the 17th diaper from her bedroom floor and holding up the trash bag.

The video went viral and, as the internet is, the reactions were extreme, ranging from disgust and shame to support and praise. Some early commenters on the original post called it “disgusting” and said there was “no excuse” for not throwing out the diapers throughout the day.

But a fairly large army of parents defended her, pointing out that she was five days postpartum and praising her for sharing the struggles. Some even posted their own “17 diapers” moments in response. As of Friday, there were nearly 18,000 videos on TikTok using the hashtag #17diapers.

“That’s 17 times your sweet babies took priority over your house. It’s 17 times your sweet babies have been cleaned and felt comfortable and loved. Being a mother is hard,” one commenter wrote on the original video.

“I don’t have 17 diapers, but I’m crying alone in my car so my mom and husband can’t see me,” TikTok user Hillary Wichlin said in a video of herself carrying her 10-week-old baby, adding, that she also forgets to take out her contact lenses every evening because of exhaustion.

“I may not have had 17 diapers on my floor today, but I woke up looking like this,” Rachel Muse wrote in the description of a postpartum hair loss video in which she points to her thin, flyaway hair.

In a follow-up video this week, Hannah wrote while wiping tears from her eyes and cuddling her newborn that scrolling through all the “17 Diapers” videos at 1 a.m. made her feel less alone.

Shame is “ubiquitous”

In an interview with People magazine, Hannah (who did not give her last name) said that most of the feedback she initially received was negative and judgmental.

“Yes, there were 17 diapers in my house, but they didn’t see me coloring with my son while simultaneously breastfeeding my newborn. They didn’t see me taking my son to the park and pushing him on the swing while holding my newborn,” she told the magazine.

This online culture of comparison and shaming was recently highlighted in a health advisory from the U.S. Surgeon General on the stresses of modern parenting. In his guide, Vivek Murthy said that influencers and online trends can create unrealistic expectations for parents to compare themselves to and live up to.

And shame, Murthy added, has become “ubiquitous.”

Studies have linked comparing your own parenting to what you see on social media with higher rates of depression in mothers, higher levels of cortisol, and increased envy and anxiety particularly in mothers. Another 2023 study of 2,000 U.S. mothers found that those who used social media were four times more likely to feel like bad parents than those who didn’t.

“But the 17 Diapers video also shows that social media can be a powerful tool for connection and affirmation, which are antidotes to shame,” said Angela Low, associate professor of social and emotional development in the U of U’s Faculty of Education British Columbia

And that’s “hopeful, considering it’s usually the opposite – where seeing other families’ ‘perfect’ lives or so much parenting advice usually feeds feelings of not being good enough or failing,” said Low exploring shame in parenting CBC News.

By sharing her story, Hannah is helping other parents build their own shame resilience, Low said.

“We’ve all had a 17 diaper moment”

This is why, as so many have pointed out, the honesty of the 17 diaper trend is so damn refreshing (if not fresh).

“This trend is here for moms to be vulnerable and show what postpartum can really be like,” TikTok user Jessica Haizman wrote alongside a video in which she shared how she dealt with 17 diapers after giving birth COVID-19 and peed her pants every time she vomited because she had no control over her bladder.

“I signed up for the gym so I could have a place for my baby and a nap in the locker room,” another mom confessed in the comments.

“I don’t have 17 diapers, but I’m looking at the photos again [and] Videos from the first three months of my son’s life because I can’t even remember it,” another mother posted.

“We all had a 17 diapers moment. And if you don’t, consider yourself lucky,” another posted.

UBC’s Low noted that the trend reminds parents that it’s hard for everyone and that you’re not a failure – you’re normal.

“And it’s clear from the comments that many parents are hungry for this news.”