Dear Annie: Worried daughter is running out of options to free her mother, who lives with her brother who is hoarding them

Dear Annie: My elderly mother bought a house on the West Coast to be near my younger brother and I after my father died a few years ago. She had always relied on my father to take care of finances and important life decisions, so taking on this responsibility herself was a difficult adjustment for her. Even though she bought the new house over 18 months ago, she still lives in her old home on the East Coast, which she was unable to sell due to my older brother’s severe hoarding issues.
My older brother, who lives with her, suffers from undiagnosed mental health issues, including anxiety and depression. He couldn’t hold down a steady job, so he lived with my parents for years. My older brother lacks insight into his hoarding disorder and doesn’t believe in medicine (i.e. he believes therapy and medication are part of a larger government conspiracy), so there is no hope that he will get the help he needs, despite our attempts to get him convince.
My mother asked him to move his things from her house on the East Coast for years, but he wouldn’t. His mental illness, lack of money and inability to plan for the future all contributed to his rejection.

In the meantime, my mother is paying property taxes on both homes and a mortgage on the vacant West Coast home and is unable to sell her current home. I’ve tried to help by researching tenant laws, consulting lawyers, and even paying for a hoarding removal service, but nothing has changed. After said research, it seems the only solution is to kick my older brother out of the house so that she then has the legal authority to remove his things; She’s already been through a half-way thing like this, which ended with the after-school team leaving on the first day out of concern for the safety of her staff and the great distress of my older brother.
My mother and brother are in a toxic, codependent relationship. Whenever she pressures him to move out or clean up, he often alludes to suicide, which always causes her to back down. She is unable to set firm boundaries that put her own well-being first, and she constantly says, “He has nowhere to go.” It is clear that he will never leave willingly, and they both continue to live in misery and are unable to move forward.
I had to emotionally distance myself because the situation was taking a toll on my own mental health despite my efforts to help. I urged my mom to see a therapist and she finally started. She is learning about boundaries, but I worry that it will be a long time, if ever, before she can put that knowledge into practice. Her beautiful new home is empty and she is in a financial and emotional bind.
Is there anything else I can do to help her? Any advice for my mother? It breaks my heart that she may never make it out of here and I don’t know what to do next. – Desperate daughter

Dear Desperate One: You did everything in your power to help your mother in this incredibly difficult situation. Unfortunately, it’s up to her to set boundaries with her brother and take the steps she needs to get to her home on the West Coast.

I wish it were possible to deal with this more amicably, but with your brother’s mental health issues preventing him from getting the help he needs, eviction seems more and more like the only way out for them.
I commend your mother for seeking therapy and I agree that while it may take some time, this will give her the tools she needs to take action in her life. Perhaps your mother, with the help of her therapist, can find a way to get your brother into psychiatric treatment, especially if, as you mentioned, he has thought about harming himself. One thing is certain: this stalemate cannot continue.

Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].

Recent Posts