How the changing nature of romantic relationships could make it harder to talk about money

In the past, marriage conjured up images of a young couple starting with next to nothing and building a nest egg together. This arrangement has become less common as the average age for a first marriage has risen to record highs – 28 years for women in the U.S. and 30.5 years for men. Meanwhile, the proportion of people getting married for the first time in their 40s and 50s quadrupled between 1990 and 2019.

Tom Thiegs, senior leadership and legacy consultant at US Bank’s Ascent Private Capital Management, says these trends represent a new dynamic for household finances. He points out that those who marry in their 30s or later may find it more difficult to combine their assets because one or both people are likely to have more income and assets than if they had married earlier. Additionally, each newlywed has had even more years to get used to making their own decisions about things like investing, saving, and spending.

“Your life situation before a serious relationship or marriage is a big change if you haven’t experienced it yet,” says Thiegs. “It can feel strange to have this responsibility to someone else.”

And while women making more money represents progress for them and society, Thiegs says some men struggle with this dynamic, leading to potential tensions that couples need to address openly.

Another cause of tension in marriages for older couples: one partner earns significantly more money than the other. This can lead to situations where one partner feels like they have to ask the other for permission to buy something—an unhealthy dynamic, says Thiegs.

“They want open equality. It is very important to find a middle ground. It shouldn’t be the person who makes more money who gets to make all the decisions,” he says.

This dynamic can impact how honest each spouse is about their finances and goals — and not for the better, he says. According to a recent US Bank survey on challenging money conversations, 30% of Americans say they have lied to their partner about money. Nearly 40% disagree with their partners about how to handle their money now, and 60% say they make better financial decisions than their partner.

One of the biggest changes Thiegs has seen in the last generation or two is couples moving away from combining all of their assets to separating their finances after marriage. This can damage each partner’s trust in the other without them even realizing it.

“To a certain extent, autonomy is healthy. But if you do that 100%, you miss the opportunity to come together and have conversations,” he says. “You can have some control, but it’s also important to have something in common… There’s more mutual responsibility, and I think that’s a healthy thing. It can lead to more conflict, but hopefully healthy conflict.”

This could be done, for example, by setting up a joint account to pay all household bills and each partner maintaining their own personal savings account. Because each partner can see what is being paid and when each month, conversations happen naturally – and each partner is more likely to be on the same page and have a better understanding of their household’s holistic financial picture.

“Long-term relationships are based on trust, and the same goes for our money habits,” he says. “I have seen couples go years without realizing that their financial behavior was negatively impacting their spouse or partner. The sooner you can uncover these potential surprises, the better.”

How to start a conversation about money

If you’re uncomfortable talking about money, Thiegs has some conversation starters that can help you and your partner navigate it more easily.

First, it’s important to identify each of your values—financial and other—and where they come from, says Thiegs. More than a third, 36%, of unmarried Americans say they are embarrassed to be completely transparent about their finances with the person they are dating, according to the U.S. Bank survey. But explaining why you feel this way—for example, that money was tight as a child and therefore it’s important to have a stable safety net—can help.

So ask your partner: What is the greatest value or rule you live by?

“If you don’t speak these things, the other person doesn’t know them,” he says. “Unspoken expectations are intentional resentments.”

Another fruitful conversation starter, according to Thiegs: Is there a number I’d like to give out without telling you? In other words, what is your threshold for a cash surprise?

Or try: Which items we buy do you see as needs versus wants? He suggests turning it into an activity where each spouse writes their needs and wants on a piece of paper. While something—for example, buying coffee on the way to work or saving for a vacation—obviously falls into one category or another in your mind, your partner might have a different perspective. Understanding each other’s point of view is crucial to financial harmony.

It’s also important to choose the right place to have a financial conversation – bedtime, for example, is not a good place. Instead, Thiegs says, he advises couples to set a specific time and place for conversations to curb emotional reactions.

After all, it’s difficult to be honest with your partner if you aren’t honest with yourself. According to Thiegs, it’s crucial that each partner considers their role and reactions.

“As a partner, I think about it myself, maybe I don’t make it easy for myself to talk to him about these things,” he says. “Maybe they’re afraid of the judgment. So acknowledge your own role or the environment you have created to make them afraid to be honest.”