Therapist says men aren’t ready for ‘modern relationships’, sparking debate

Are Men Equipped to Handle Modern Relationships?

This is the bold question Erin Spahr, a licensed therapist, asked in a viral Instagram video. The clip sparked a discussion about emotional labor, intelligence and modern relationships. In her post, Spahr pointed out the imbalance in many marriages, particularly the mental and emotional burden that women carry, and urged men to “catch up” in developing emotional skills such as empathy and communication.

“Today, women generally want an equal partner who is present and shares the mental and emotional burden of parenting and housework,” Spahr wrote in the caption. “It’s no longer enough to just be a nice guy who brings home a paycheck.”

The video was liked by over 30,000 people. Spahr, 40, said Newsweek about her theory and why she believes it resonates with so many women.

“While women were taught that we could work and raise children, men were unprepared for what that would mean for them,” Spahr said. “Women are the most educated generation today and … do not settle for relationships that make them feel like ‘married single mothers’.”

However, not everyone who viewed the video agreed with Spahr. One user wrote: “This is not true at all because boys are taught how to treat women but you never see parents teaching their daughter how to treat a man.”

Another person replied: “The wife initiated the divorce and it is the husband’s fault. Understood.”

Modern motherhood and burnout

Spahr said she has more than a decade of experience working with couples and individuals and has seen firsthand the emotional toll modern women — especially mothers — take.

“Today, mothers bear the majority of the housework, psychological burden and childcare responsibilities, and many work outside the home,” said Spahr. “We were taught that we could have it all…However, many of us have realized that having it all means doing it all, and as a result we experience high levels of maternal burnout, perinatal mood and anxiety disorders.”

Spahr highlighted the gap between what women expect from their male partners to alleviate this burden and what they actually get.

“While men are often more involved in domestic duties and child-rearing than their fathers, the bar is still pretty low,” she said. “They don’t invest in their relationships and parenting skills as much as women do – and we’re seeing the impact of this discrepancy.”

Spahr added that she believes society has not adequately prepared men for the emotional labor required in modern relationships. While women often invest in self-development and parenting skills, many men avoid such growth opportunities, she said.

“We need more engagement and buy-in from men, which we can all benefit from as a society by preparing boys to be more in touch with their emotions, develop skills such as empathy and self-awareness, and deconstruct their beliefs about gender roles.” said Spahr.

A misunderstanding of emotionality

Newsweek spoke with licensed psychotherapist Renee Zavislak for a second opinion. She agreed with Spahr’s observations. Zavislak said she has noticed an alarming trend in her practice: Married women in their 40s are often emotionally and romantically “finished” with their partners, even if they don’t want to separate their families.

“I keep hearing from women that they are distracted by emotional labor or child-rearing, many of them also have full-time jobs outside the home, and they are disappointed when they find that their husbands not only do not share this emotional burden just a burden but also increases it,” she added.

When this criticism comes up in relationships, Zavislak says it’s common for men to react defensively. Isn’t that what women have always wanted from themselves, to express themselves emotionally?

“But the women say that the men missed the point – that they were asked to perform with emotional competence and maturity, and that their husbands instead focused only on their own feelings and looked for support rather than supporting them themselves.” to the family burden,” she said.

According to both Zavislak and Spahr, men still tend to miss the mark in modern relationships.

Spahr said she hopes her video is a “wake-up call” for people to address issues of gender equality and emotional compatibility in their relationships.

Both experts said the solution lies in more men listening to women’s concerns, investing in their emotional growth and strengthening their relationships. As more and more women choose not to settle for emotionally unequal relationships, the pressure seems to be on men to conform – or risk losing their relationship down the road.